How to be a Latin lover — Part 2

Adapted from “Latin Love Lessons” by Charlotte Higgins, Short Books

We all know we’re not going to get a date by sitting at home. Ovid insists we get out there into the town or city and create our own opportunities to meet people.

Be bold, he cries, talk to those girls hanging out at the temple of Palatine Apollo or in Pompey’s portico — or even at a nightclub.

For girls, never, ever, turn down an invitation to a party, is his advice. Makes sense :

Arrive late, when the lamps are lit;
Make a graceful entrance —
Delay enhances charm, delay’s a great bawd.
Plain you may be, but at night
you’ll look fine to the tipsy:
Soft lights and shadows will mask your faults.

For the guys, you might just want to factor in that flattering lighting when sizing up girls :

Don’t trust the lamplight too much,
It’s deceptive. When Paris examined those
Goddesses, when he said:
“You beat them both, Venus,” he did it in broad
Daylight. But darkness hides faults, each
Blemish is forgiven:
Any woman you name will pass
As a beauty at night.

Striking up a conversation is easy, insists Ovid. If you’re sitting next to a pretty girl at the races :

Find some excuse to engage in friendly conversation,
Casual small talk at first —
Ask, with a show of interest,
Whose are those horses
Just coming past: find out
Her favourite, back it yourself.
When the long procession of ivory deities approaches, be sure you give a big hand to Lady Venus.
If some dust should settle
In your girl’s lap, flick it away
With your fingers; and if there’s no dust,
Still flick away — nothing.

A potential seducer should give a broad hint of his intentions by applauding Venus, the goddess of love, when the procession of images of the gods passes. The modern equivalent of that situation is hard to find, but applause for anything draws attention.

It seems that the Romans were also aware of the “flicking away the dust” trick — a tried and trusted method, even 2,000 years ago.

Next : Moving in on your target.

How to be a Latin lover — Part 1

Adapted from “Latin Love Lessons” by Charlotte Higgins, Short Books

Where would you get advice on how to be a Latin lover? Well, would you believe straight from the horse’s mouth?

It seems the Romans were great chroniclers and writers of self-help books, especially on all things romantic.

First off, the poet Ovid on how to ensnare the love of your life, Roman-style. He believed in meticulous preparations — packaging is everything. Today we would call this a makeover :

For men

“Keep your nails pared and dirt-free;
Don’t let those long hairs sprout .”

But don’t go over the top with the boy-beauty regimes.

“Don’t think it’s a good idea to style your hair with curling irons, or depilate your legs with stinging pumice.”

For the ladies

“I was going to advise you about grim, goaty armpits and rough, bristling hair on your legs.”

Keep make-up discreet, he writes, and don’t give any hint of the trouble you’ve been to.

“… don’t let your lover find all those jars and bottles
On your dressing table: the best
Make-up remains unobtrusive.”

He’s also big on hair :

“What attracts us is elegance — so don’t neglect your hairstyle:
Looks can be made or marred by a skilful touch.
Nor will one style suit all: there are innumerable fashions,
And each girl should look in her glass
Before choosing what suits her reflection.
Long features go best with
A plain central parting: that’s how
Laodamia’s hair was arranged.
A round-faced lady
Should pile all her hair on top,
Leaving the ears exposed.
One girl should wear it down on
Her shoulders, like Apollo about to play
The lyre; another should braid it
in the style of the huntress
Diana, when she’s after some frightened beast,
Skirt hitched up. ”

Next : Get out and be seen.

The history of the tradition of the wedding cake is a fascinating one.

There are legends of brides scattering grains which were considered good luck. The grains were then gathered quickly by the single maids, thus ensuring their own happy future nuptials. By the Middle Ages, we see stories of the grains now being made into loaves of bread, but rather than being eaten, these loaves were broken over the bride’s head. Eating the crumbs was also considered good luck for those guests who managed to get some.

Eventually these loaves became sweet buns which the wedding guests would toss in a pile in front of the couple. If they could kiss over the top of the pile, they would be sure to have many children.

The first mention of anything like a cake is the Bride’s Pie in the 17th century. This pie was made of mutton, sweatbreads or perhaps mince and might have had a glass ring baked into it. The superstition was that the guest who found the ring would be the next to marry.

Cakes became more popular at weddings in the 19th century and the bride’s pie pretty much disappeared. Some sources say it was a French chef who made the first “stacked” wedding cake. In any case, it was at the marriage of one of Queen Victoria’s daughters that the first tiered cake with pillar supports and piped icing as decoration first appeared.

The tradition of cutting the cake evolved as a symbol of the couple’s shared life as they jointly cut the cake and then respectfully feed each other in an act of love and honor. As tradition tends to be bent by each succeeding generation, this quiet and symbolic act is now usually carried out in clown-like fashion, with couples smashing pieces of cake into each other’s faces.

Traditionally, the wedding cake has been white, with white icing. In modern times, cakes come in many different flavors and can even include cheesecake flavored with jams and cordials. The icing has undergone change too, with many brides opting for decoration that reflects their personal taste or the interests of the couple.

So many normal people are looking for romance these days, as if a fulfilling home life and a engrossing job are not enough.

It’s as if something is missing in the modern world where internet porn is standard fare for many people. Naturally, the web caters for this perceived lack of sparkle in many people’s lives.

As an example, there is an internet dating service established for the only purpose of enabling married people to commit adultery. It claims to have more than 100,000 members in the UK alone.

A reporter who tried it out gives us this example of a typical “date”.

“I arrange to meet a 41-year-old mother of two who misses “romance and flirting”, in a cafe in two days’ time. … She turns up, a blonde with lipstick on her teeth. She looks furtively around and asks me if I’m nervous. I say that if she stops twitching, I’ll calm down. There is tension in the air like North and South Korea coming together to hammer out a treaty.

“Suddenly the realization of how odd it is to meet a stranger with the express intention of having an affair dawns on me. Romeo and Juliet it is not. … But she is an old hand at this type of encounter and tells me she’s met many men through the site, and that I was probably the only one who hadn’t lied about my age. She tells me she thinks relationships have a shelf life of about ten years before boredom sets in, but that she stays married to ensure her children have a stable home.

“After discussing how mundane marriages become and avoiding questions about my personal life, it’s clear we’re past our sell-by date after ten minutes, never mind ten years. There is zero chemistry. She doesn’t want to discuss her husband, and I feel uneasy talking to her. Despite this, she still seems keen to flirt with me.

“In the end, we agree to part and she wishes me luck and assures me I’ll find the perfect paramour. So much for raging passion. This was like having a meeting with a new accountant with a helping of self-disgust thrown in. For all the glossy, sexy chat and out-of-date pictures posted online, this is the rather tawdry, mundane reality of these adulterous assignations. A pub on a wet afternoon and two people who have little to talk about except whether or not they are going to have a meaningless fling.”

Romance is most certainly isn’t